How To Build A Perfect Footballer

Posted 24/07/10 13:22
Courtesy: Paul little, Football365

As part of the fallout from England's inept performances at the recent World Cup, I have become concerned that should my two-year-old son one day become a professional footballer in these islands he will become just another one of those useless automatons we saw in South Africa.

To avoid such a sorry fate, I have come up with five strategies to mould him into a gifted, intuitive, creative, visionary livewire. I intend to implement some or all of these steps for the good of my son and the good of football. And as the FA considers the development of National Football Centre, perhaps they could do worse than track the progress of my program when they are planning the structures required to return English football to the summit of the international game.


1 - Instil hunger, drive and ambition
It is often argued that the greatest talents of the game honed their talents in slums where kicking a rolled up sock whilst avoiding state-sponsored death squads was the only diversion from their poverty stricken upbringing. To that end, we will holiday in the slums of Rio over the next few years with a view to a permanent move. Whilst I work on arrangements for that, I will be bringing up my son in a cardboard box in the back garden.


2 - Nurture natural balance
Some years back former Ireland boss Brian Kerr remarked that in his latter years in charge of the Irish youth sides the players coming through the system lacked the natural balance and fluidity of movement of their African and South American counterparts. He blamed this on the fact that kids in Ireland no longer played as actively outdoors as they used too. Over-protective parents, computer games and telly were at the heart of this sorry evolution. Kids no longer climbed trees, rode bikes, and tottered along high walls surrounding electricity sub-stations.

To try and counter this, my boy will be denied technological distraction in his early years. He will also have to traverse a narrow beam over a pit on a unicycle to get his meals of chicken, beans and pasta. When he is older, I will have him hunted by a pack of rabid dogs to encourage him to run and climb.


3 - Low centre of gravity
I have noted that many of the world's great players at the present are short in stature. Xavi, Iniesta and Messi are the obvious examples. Consequently, I am investigating ways of stunting a young man's growth to ensure that critical low centre of gravity. Does smoking still do the job? Or would placing heavy weights on hid head and shoulders be more effective?


4 - Awareness
Watch Xavi, Iniesta, Messi - their peripheral vision is so impressive that surely there is more at play? Have their other senses - hearing or smell, for example - been enhanced in some way?

It is worth investigation. So, I'm considering some drills where family members will throw objects at the young lad as he plays, to try and get him to get his head up and encourage greater awareness. As he develops, we may increase the difficulty with the use of a blindfold, scented rocks and a large cudgel with small bells attached.


5 - A controlled diet of televisual football
Eventually, the boy must see football on the telly and be encouraged to dream. English football will not be allowed - for there lies only ruin, heartbreak and confusion. I am considering a controlled and rigorous immersion diet of Barcelona in full flow. To that end, I have purchased a set of the eyelid clamps used in Clockwork Orange as visual aids.

Paul Little