cool?... not so much...

I've always placed a certain amount of value on honesty. I've been proven wrong in my belief quite a couple of times now, but it just feels right. I'm not an extremely honest man, I might add. I've uttered my share of lies and indulged in my share of deceit over the years, but it doesn't mean I can't agree with it principally.

For me, it has never been about just telling the truth, but also being true to myself (I have this weird inclination to write words like oneself instead of myself when i write, but lets face it; this post is about me, not about you, or how the world functions in general). I thought it was alright to not hide parts about me, and not to put up a face to match a certain situation at hand. I thought it was enough to put everything out there in the open. I thought people appreciated it too, but its just like having a Foxy; people appreciate that you have a Foxy, but not many at all would go and attempt to buy one, none at all really. I know the analogy probably isn't as definitive as it could have been, but it makes sense to me.

I've also faintly noticed why its so difficult for me to get into a relationship. Its because I reveal all of myself to the other person. I was talking to someone quite recently, and I realised that almost anythings okay when one is just friends with someone, but one cannot really tolerate most of those things in someone they might actually like (in the other way, obviously).

Its not so cool to put up your true face. Its alright to hide stuff occasionally. its alright not to spill it all out. Its alright. Honesty, its not so cool... not so cool at all!

whaat?? nooouu!! wait....... full of fuckk!!

If the title made no sense to you then i don't blame you. If you work in a certain company which calls itself Areva- which by the way, is not a girl's name- and could not understand the title, then you're a moron! This *points to title* is about the only fun thing i see happening at my office. Its thoroughly amusing to see someone self-fuck their own mind right there in front of you.

This image epitomizes the phenomenon of a mind full of fuck:

I went up to Sajid sb. today and asked him where the hand drawn room layouts for Sarfraz Nagar were. I wanted to say Shahdra, but i said SN by mistake; it was an honest mistake, but the impetus it provided to Sajid sb. was uncanny. First he looked at me like :|. Then he started rummaging through everything he owned, all at once! (What makes the whole thing so interesting was that there were no hand drawn room layouts for SN)... after about ten minutes of rummaging through everything in his 3x3 office space, he put his hands on his head, made the Jackie Chan 'my mind...!' face and started staring into the distance...

I told him soon after that i actually wanted to say Shahdra, but that expression of his was enough to get me through the day today.

Sometimes these days, my mind gets full of fuck too... I think about so many things, about me, my friends, family, country, other countries- not ever in any specific order. Its mostly about me, i question myself, or sometimes I'm just confused about what to do next; its mostly that. I question my lack of ambition, my lack of spirituality, and general lack of direction. It bothers me mostly when i juxtapose my situation, or myself with someone else. I make a conscious effort not to do so, but as soon as I do, I'm like 'noooouuuu!! my mindd...!'

let me wallow!!

have you ever had an epiphany? a revelation so great that you feel its surreal, ephemeral even? me neither. what i do come across are blunt bits of 'in yo fayce!' truth. some things i can live with, some not so much.

lately something happened after which i wanted to really get into the zone (of my sadness). i wanted to shut people out, be passive aggressive, seclude myself, take lonesome walks in the cold, smoke up, the works... but something really really different happened this time; i rode my cycle and everything seemed to be right (read: this friend of mine refused to let me drown myself in sorrow. she called and texted, and came by and made me feel like it's always alright. atleast not as bad as we might want to think it is. and especially that nothing is as bad as it seems in the present. if only i had wallowed in sadness completely for a couple of days i might actually had been depressed. and now she's gone made me feel kinda stupid for almost feeling sorry for myself, given it doesnt take a lot to get me there).

if only all problems in life could be solved by a bit of cycling!

growing up

there's a reason why i never like movies like Wake Up Sid: they're too real for me. most people watch a movie like that and go 'meh...' and i'm like 'wtf! gtfomofo!' because i like to think my life is something unique until some asshole comes along and makes a movie about some of it. is that the height of individuality one can possibly achieve? to be one-upped by a bloody bollywood movie?

do you know i still don't have a clue about what to do in life. i thought i was unique in that thought.. but no, turns out there are millions just as lost as myself, and i'm just one of that million.. this is not where i want to be, and i've got no one to tell me which way is up.. people say its maybe a good thing to let one "discover" things on their own, which is a bag of shit on fire really.. because sometimes, someone does need you to tell them what to do and take some blame for any shit that hits the fan along the way..

i need to grow up, but growing up means having to realise that the afore-written paragraph is crap, and one really does need to make the right decisions and own up to them to grow... as a person...

my response to: Proud to be a Fastian!

Obviously, the smart thing to do is to appreciate your university and remember the good stuff. Most mistakes/misfortunes in life, we can choose to forget, but ones university is the one thing that NO ONE lets you forget; friends, family, em...ployers, colleagues, subordinates... children. Its the one thing that can never be wiped clean, never forgotten!
And about appreciating the finer things about the university that granted us Undergraduate degrees like they were used shoes; what bothers (at least me) isn't what was wrong with the university, but how wrong it was, and how good it could've been, if not for the douchebaggery of a lot of different individuals. Its about extant expectations crushed in an instant (a semester), its about nascent dreams blown away... but well, I don't suppose this is either the time or the forum for a veteran Fastian to launch a tirade against the organization which, admittedly, did give him a couple of very good friends and taught him a lot about life.

the thing about photos

I couldn't ever really define what i like about photos. For one, its easier to just see with your eyes than take a picture; you remember most of it anyway. And capturing a Kodak moment is one thing, but taking a good photo is really bloody hard, especially with a manual; you're adjusting your position, and your lens, and the aperture, and the shutter speed, AND the iso, and then, leg cramp! yea, it happens that way sometimes.

The thing about a good photo is that it can transform any regular, absolutely average thing or event into something truly magnificent. Some times you can capture something so unique, you might never have known it existed if not for the fact that you pushed that little black button at just the right time. Try taking a picture of the mug you drink tea in everyday, focus on the tip of the rim, and whoa! You'd be like, is that my mug?! and then you'd be like, it totally is! and then you'd be like, sweet! :P

being bored...

A lot happened yesterday, some of which made me realise a couple of things about somethings... Primarily, i realised that its definitely NOT okay just to get bored of something. I pride myself on being very straightforward and kinda blunt, and i like to say stuff like it is. But its not supposed to be done that way all the time. You have to sugar-coat stuff most of the time, and you just can't let people know what you're feeling, because that kind of information leakage comes and bites you in the ass- repeatedly!

Its not okay to just lose interest and get bored of something. When that happens, you should always ask yourself why you're bored, and hopefully you'll come up with something that keeps you interested. Because being straightforward is one thing, and whining like a bitch is another- being an ass is another, but we'll get to that some other day. Spouting optimism isn't really my thing, but i suppose you have to have some of it to stay happy.