ufff! games...

Chivalry- have you ever thought about the word? If you're around 20 you've probably heard it as part of the common English phrase: "chivalry is dead". What about the time it was alive then? Were those better times? I like to imagine they were. I imagine because things are never as they seem. There are always more than two interpretations to any thought, we think about it and validate one or the other of those views based on subjective and objective elements; depends on the mood i suppose.

This is the definition of chivalry on Dictionary.com:

The sum of the ideal qualifications of a knight, including courtesy, generosity, valor and dexterity in arms.

Helps one understand the concept, but doesn't really define it in the most practically applicable way at all. What is chivalry to the common dude? Urbandictionary.com helps when no one else can:

An idea developed by the first queen Eleanor of England. Basically, it encouraged gentlemanly behavior between knights, and proposed a system of courting ladies to gain their hearts instead of dragging them home by their hair (sarcasm).

I like how whoever wrote that definition felt the incessant need to write (sarcasm) at the end of that. Anyway, considering that its true, did anyone ask the women if they reaaaally didn't like being dragged by their hair? Because as most of us have seen from experience, its the most carnal and rudimentary of acts/ habits that women most like in their men. I write their men because figuratively dragging a woman back to ones crib by the hair is generally frowned upon in all societies, so its not the best idea to do something on those lines when meeting someone for the first time. First, one has to court them properly; be all nice and chivalrous. Then, once they're hitched, its not enough/required at all to be chivalrous. Then, they want the caveman. It can be the other way around too.

Anyway, the point is that a man can only be a night or a caveman. Never both. Except ofcourse if one of the persona's is a facade. So what is required of us is simply designed to leave us with male patterned baldness, games like these that women have devised are probably the main reason men start losing their hair naturally. Its become our nature. You'd think a man would have control over some things in a male-dominated society!

:/ huuuh??!

I've realised recently that most of my posts that are not about football are the kind of posts other fellow (chauvinist) bloggers and I like to scoff at; very personal, and senti... maybe. it just occurred to me that this is the only fully formed idea in my head right now, but since I've started writing, I might as well ramble on for a bit.

Have i talked about the paradox of the kind of jobs compared to the kind of life one might want for themselves? I don't think I have. Well its like this, for the sake of making this post more tangible to my general audience, I'll localise my references and analogies to Pakistan. So, in Pakistan, all men work all their lives tirelessly. We're a lazy people, but that's only when you compare us to the rest of the world. We work to get a good job, a good job pays well, more money means you can put a price tag on yourself, good price tag means you don't have to care about the person you are, and also, a good price tag means a good wife, good wife takes your bullshit, forever, and gives you a lot of babies (quite possibly because your mother wants to be a grandmother). The fact that I can sum up the average Pakistani households' story while I'm only just rambling is sad in itself.

So, the paradox, rather, the dilemma is that what if you don't agree with some (or most) of the things mentioned above? What if blasphemous thoughts like liking what you do and caring if your wife actually has a personality (which, you probably wont be able to "control") keep popping into your head? What if you're okay with not having as much money as you could have doing a job you don't really like, but doing something you actually like doing? I realise that last one was a cliche, and a very used one at that, but those are real questions! The thing is that most people don't try to be overtly bold or ambitious because they feel like they'll miss out on something, and the fact of the matter is that they will.

Its a different life that way, and what one has to realise is that, excluding exceptions, no one gets to have the best of both worlds (cliche again, sorry). Its just like religion, you cannot be all like "..so, fine, I don't pray five times a day, but I'm still as good a muslim as anybody else!..." and expect that to be true, you could be a good person, but not a good Muslim unless you do all those little Muslim things you're supposed to do. Its as simple as that. I was talking to this guy and he was all like- is this alright? is this alright that someone just comes along and tells you whats right and wrong, and you just believe it, and do whatever is considered right? is it alright being a conformist?- and I was like- yea i guess, if you believe in it enough, anything is fine, atleast for your mental health and self preservation if you're completely convinced about it.

It all comes down to staying happy. The pursuit of happiness. I guess its about convincing yourself of something completely, because the longer one is conflicted about what they want, or what they believe in, the longer they're prone to be a victim of chronic unhappiness ('avazaari' explains the sentiment a little better), and nobody likes a sad-sack y'know!

cool?... not so much...

I've always placed a certain amount of value on honesty. I've been proven wrong in my belief quite a couple of times now, but it just feels right. I'm not an extremely honest man, I might add. I've uttered my share of lies and indulged in my share of deceit over the years, but it doesn't mean I can't agree with it principally.

For me, it has never been about just telling the truth, but also being true to myself (I have this weird inclination to write words like oneself instead of myself when i write, but lets face it; this post is about me, not about you, or how the world functions in general). I thought it was alright to not hide parts about me, and not to put up a face to match a certain situation at hand. I thought it was enough to put everything out there in the open. I thought people appreciated it too, but its just like having a Foxy; people appreciate that you have a Foxy, but not many at all would go and attempt to buy one, none at all really. I know the analogy probably isn't as definitive as it could have been, but it makes sense to me.

I've also faintly noticed why its so difficult for me to get into a relationship. Its because I reveal all of myself to the other person. I was talking to someone quite recently, and I realised that almost anythings okay when one is just friends with someone, but one cannot really tolerate most of those things in someone they might actually like (in the other way, obviously).

Its not so cool to put up your true face. Its alright to hide stuff occasionally. its alright not to spill it all out. Its alright. Honesty, its not so cool... not so cool at all!

whaat?? nooouu!! wait....... full of fuckk!!

If the title made no sense to you then i don't blame you. If you work in a certain company which calls itself Areva- which by the way, is not a girl's name- and could not understand the title, then you're a moron! This *points to title* is about the only fun thing i see happening at my office. Its thoroughly amusing to see someone self-fuck their own mind right there in front of you.

This image epitomizes the phenomenon of a mind full of fuck:

I went up to Sajid sb. today and asked him where the hand drawn room layouts for Sarfraz Nagar were. I wanted to say Shahdra, but i said SN by mistake; it was an honest mistake, but the impetus it provided to Sajid sb. was uncanny. First he looked at me like :|. Then he started rummaging through everything he owned, all at once! (What makes the whole thing so interesting was that there were no hand drawn room layouts for SN)... after about ten minutes of rummaging through everything in his 3x3 office space, he put his hands on his head, made the Jackie Chan 'my mind...!' face and started staring into the distance...

I told him soon after that i actually wanted to say Shahdra, but that expression of his was enough to get me through the day today.

Sometimes these days, my mind gets full of fuck too... I think about so many things, about me, my friends, family, country, other countries- not ever in any specific order. Its mostly about me, i question myself, or sometimes I'm just confused about what to do next; its mostly that. I question my lack of ambition, my lack of spirituality, and general lack of direction. It bothers me mostly when i juxtapose my situation, or myself with someone else. I make a conscious effort not to do so, but as soon as I do, I'm like 'noooouuuu!! my mindd...!'

let me wallow!!

have you ever had an epiphany? a revelation so great that you feel its surreal, ephemeral even? me neither. what i do come across are blunt bits of 'in yo fayce!' truth. some things i can live with, some not so much.

lately something happened after which i wanted to really get into the zone (of my sadness). i wanted to shut people out, be passive aggressive, seclude myself, take lonesome walks in the cold, smoke up, the works... but something really really different happened this time; i rode my cycle and everything seemed to be right (read: this friend of mine refused to let me drown myself in sorrow. she called and texted, and came by and made me feel like it's always alright. atleast not as bad as we might want to think it is. and especially that nothing is as bad as it seems in the present. if only i had wallowed in sadness completely for a couple of days i might actually had been depressed. and now she's gone made me feel kinda stupid for almost feeling sorry for myself, given it doesnt take a lot to get me there).

if only all problems in life could be solved by a bit of cycling!

growing up

there's a reason why i never like movies like Wake Up Sid: they're too real for me. most people watch a movie like that and go 'meh...' and i'm like 'wtf! gtfomofo!' because i like to think my life is something unique until some asshole comes along and makes a movie about some of it. is that the height of individuality one can possibly achieve? to be one-upped by a bloody bollywood movie?

do you know i still don't have a clue about what to do in life. i thought i was unique in that thought.. but no, turns out there are millions just as lost as myself, and i'm just one of that million.. this is not where i want to be, and i've got no one to tell me which way is up.. people say its maybe a good thing to let one "discover" things on their own, which is a bag of shit on fire really.. because sometimes, someone does need you to tell them what to do and take some blame for any shit that hits the fan along the way..

i need to grow up, but growing up means having to realise that the afore-written paragraph is crap, and one really does need to make the right decisions and own up to them to grow... as a person...

my response to: Proud to be a Fastian!

Obviously, the smart thing to do is to appreciate your university and remember the good stuff. Most mistakes/misfortunes in life, we can choose to forget, but ones university is the one thing that NO ONE lets you forget; friends, family, em...ployers, colleagues, subordinates... children. Its the one thing that can never be wiped clean, never forgotten!
And about appreciating the finer things about the university that granted us Undergraduate degrees like they were used shoes; what bothers (at least me) isn't what was wrong with the university, but how wrong it was, and how good it could've been, if not for the douchebaggery of a lot of different individuals. Its about extant expectations crushed in an instant (a semester), its about nascent dreams blown away... but well, I don't suppose this is either the time or the forum for a veteran Fastian to launch a tirade against the organization which, admittedly, did give him a couple of very good friends and taught him a lot about life.