How To Build A Perfect Footballer

Posted 24/07/10 13:22
Courtesy: Paul little, Football365

As part of the fallout from England's inept performances at the recent World Cup, I have become concerned that should my two-year-old son one day become a professional footballer in these islands he will become just another one of those useless automatons we saw in South Africa.

To avoid such a sorry fate, I have come up with five strategies to mould him into a gifted, intuitive, creative, visionary livewire. I intend to implement some or all of these steps for the good of my son and the good of football. And as the FA considers the development of National Football Centre, perhaps they could do worse than track the progress of my program when they are planning the structures required to return English football to the summit of the international game.


1 - Instil hunger, drive and ambition
It is often argued that the greatest talents of the game honed their talents in slums where kicking a rolled up sock whilst avoiding state-sponsored death squads was the only diversion from their poverty stricken upbringing. To that end, we will holiday in the slums of Rio over the next few years with a view to a permanent move. Whilst I work on arrangements for that, I will be bringing up my son in a cardboard box in the back garden.


2 - Nurture natural balance
Some years back former Ireland boss Brian Kerr remarked that in his latter years in charge of the Irish youth sides the players coming through the system lacked the natural balance and fluidity of movement of their African and South American counterparts. He blamed this on the fact that kids in Ireland no longer played as actively outdoors as they used too. Over-protective parents, computer games and telly were at the heart of this sorry evolution. Kids no longer climbed trees, rode bikes, and tottered along high walls surrounding electricity sub-stations.

To try and counter this, my boy will be denied technological distraction in his early years. He will also have to traverse a narrow beam over a pit on a unicycle to get his meals of chicken, beans and pasta. When he is older, I will have him hunted by a pack of rabid dogs to encourage him to run and climb.


3 - Low centre of gravity
I have noted that many of the world's great players at the present are short in stature. Xavi, Iniesta and Messi are the obvious examples. Consequently, I am investigating ways of stunting a young man's growth to ensure that critical low centre of gravity. Does smoking still do the job? Or would placing heavy weights on hid head and shoulders be more effective?


4 - Awareness
Watch Xavi, Iniesta, Messi - their peripheral vision is so impressive that surely there is more at play? Have their other senses - hearing or smell, for example - been enhanced in some way?

It is worth investigation. So, I'm considering some drills where family members will throw objects at the young lad as he plays, to try and get him to get his head up and encourage greater awareness. As he develops, we may increase the difficulty with the use of a blindfold, scented rocks and a large cudgel with small bells attached.


5 - A controlled diet of televisual football
Eventually, the boy must see football on the telly and be encouraged to dream. English football will not be allowed - for there lies only ruin, heartbreak and confusion. I am considering a controlled and rigorous immersion diet of Barcelona in full flow. To that end, I have purchased a set of the eyelid clamps used in Clockwork Orange as visual aids.

Paul Little

10 thoughts on England being knocked out of the World Cup

1. This worldcup just came at the wrong time for England. The clubs are in turmoil, there are hardly any English players left in the squads of the major teams. And no Arsene, Walcott doesn't count. And an unfit and off-form Rooney to top it off.
2. For a team that claims to be built from the back, the defensive performance was, simply put, a disgrace.
3. The goal from Upson was fantastic, and had that Lampard goal not been disallowed, the scenario would've been much different. England would've lost on penalties, thats the English way of exiting tournaments, see?
4. The injury to Michael Ballack has been a revelation for Germany because it gave Bastian Schweinsteiger the chance to reveal himself like he did. Ozil and Muller were great too. Muller's first goal; rarely have i seen an assist so selfless! kudo's to Ozil!
5. Beckham looked great didn't he?
6. Contrary to popular belief, there was tactically nothing wrong with England (with the exception of the substitutions made), they just had a very weak squad.
7. After the first three games, Capello should've realised Rooney isn't really working out. He's a great player, but just that he's too out of form right now, and you cant blame him, coming back from injury, its difficult. And thus, he should've given the Crouch-Defoe pairing a chance.
8. The commentator in the England-Germany match made a very insightful comment about the academies in England versus the academies in Germany; clearly, lax spending in that regard in England clubs is showing now. England do have prospects in players like Lennon, Welbeck, Rodwell, Baxter, Gosling etc., but they need to play at the highest level of European football to be as good, and as confident as the German youngsters last night.
9. Capello should NOT be sacked, ever! the formation was sound, the tactics were sound, what wasn't was the squads general fitness and the level of the players involved, none of which were Capello's fault.
10. As a cynic, I have to say: Thank God England's goal was disallowed, because if it were not, we would be looking at widespread riots all across England! Not because England would've won, they would've still lost in all eventuality, but because now the England fan can always say "What if?!..."

The name game

I heard the expression 'the name game' used for the first time during the England world-cup selections for the 2002 World Cup. I consider myself something of a tactician, true, that most of my tactics haven't worked out, but still I'm better than most others because I've tried a lot of times. Selecting a workable team for the World Cup seems like an easy enough process doesn't it? But seeing how so many England managers have got it wrong, there really must be some catch to it! Apart from all the bureucratic FA bull, an England manager still has a lot of power and authority, but the system isn't working.
The time has come now for an armchair manager to step up and take the reins! (namely myself). So lets name a properly subjective and biased 30-man England side for once;

Goal Guardians (yes, i coined this just now): David James, Joe Hart, Paul Robinson
Defenders: J. Terry, L. King, G. Johnson, A. Cole, R. Ferdinand, L. Baines, R. Shawcross, P. Jagielka, M. Dawson, Johnson (Birmingham), M. Upson.
Midfielders: F. Lampard, S. Gerrard, J. Cole, S. Parker, A. Johnson, A. Lennon, J. Milner, D. Bentley, G. Barry, P. Scholes, T. Walcott.
Forwards: W. Rooney, P. Crouch, J. Defoe, G. Agbonlahor, B. Zamora. D. Bent.

These are all in order of preference, so, for the 23-man squad, we keep the three keepers, lose the last two defenders, lose the last two midfielders, lose the last two forwards and we still have one extra man. The only area to trim in lose one of the four right midfielders, or accept that Scholes wont be joining us. Even if Scholes doesn't join us, we should take another striker with us. Walcott can be deployed as one, but its really difficult to comprehend what Walcott is about, he was found wanting in the last world cup, and he has been found wanting on most occasions during Arsenal's mediocre season (enough of the team average-age, and long-term plan nonsense, burn Arsenal, BURN!). Milner works his socks off and runs about the field like a headless chicken, but to excellent effect i must say! Aaron Lennon is the best impact winger we could have, and Bentley throws in the most lovely crosses in from the right.
But the real problem with the last paragraph is that I don't see any of our fine right midfielders making their way into even a five-midfield starting outfit. With the likes of Lampard, Gerrard, Parker, A. Johnson and J. Cole, you can't see any of the above mentioned RM's breaking through. The only chance any of them have is if A. Johnson plays like Saeed Ajmal would in Englands friendlies, or if J. Cole asks out Terrys ex.
Another question is wether or not to deploy Rooney as a lone striker. Does Rooney really need someone holding up the ball for him after his spectacular season for United? Its a question I can't answer. The only reason why the Heskey-Rooney love affair works is that only Heskey, of all the potential hold-up strikers, is ready not to be the target man. And its natural, why would Zamora, who's having a fantastic season for Fulham, hold up the ball for Rooney? Crouch could do the job well if he was ever given a starting position, because contrary to popular belief, Crouch really isn't as good with his head as he is with his feet.
This article is giving me a headache! you go Capello!